My Feelings Are My Memories

The Holidays are upon me and the memories seem much more vivid to those around me. Their need to make lasting memories are much more important to them then to me. It becomes more difficult to remember that their lives will go on and the memories made now, will carry them for their lifetime. Watching Mom, Grandma, cringe at the sound of Christmas music reminds me of the feelings when I was a young girl, the first Christmas after my Daddy died in November. The false happiness of a child’s birthday a week later. The sadness, the guilt of forgetting the first person in my life, that loved me so truly.

My wish, is for my daughters and their children, to remember the me, that pushed aside my long felt feelings of sadness and hypocracy around the Holidays. May they remember the holiday baking, the house filled with family, food that was made with love. I am not old, I don’t look sick; how will my grandchildren remember me and what will their feelings be about their grandma?

My eldest daughter, my confidant, the person who seems to trust and understand me reminds me of what a good job as a mom, to create magical memories for she and her sister. Her sister does not come around. My feelings are of hurt. I was once able to rationalize her need to not watch her mother change; that is becoming harder to do and I fear I will be stuck with only the feelings of hurt.

Dementia is a thief. It takes the specifics and leaves me with feelings, feelings that are sometimes misdirected and undefined. Making new memories is for those around me. May my gift to those who love me, or I matter, find the me in my sadness and confusion around the holidays and help me to be that person that was once so capable of making everyone feel loved, adored and so very special to me. May I be a catalyst for positive holiday gatherings.

Merry Christmas and a Very Happy New Year!